Only SLIGHTLY Shaded!

[Wendy]

Wendy
_________________
"Manifest your dreams NOW!
Live the life you want and deserve"

[eaglesdominion]

Anger Management

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know. I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it.

A man answered, saying 'Hello.' I politely said, 'This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?' Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear 'Get the right f***ing number!' and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.

When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits. After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled 'You're an asshole!' and hung up.


I wrote his number down with the word 'assh ole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, 'You're an asshole!' It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic 'asshole' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, 'Hi,this is John Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program? 'He yelled 'NO!' and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, 'That's because you're an asshole!' and hung up.

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking Spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a 'For Sale' sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number. A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had is number on speed dial, ) I thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole, too.

I said, 'Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?'He said, 'Yes, it is.' I asked, 'Can you tell me where I can see it?' He said, 'Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax. It's a yellow ranch, and the car's parked right out in front.'

I asked, 'What's your name?' He said, 'My name is Don Hansen,' I asked, 'When's a good time to catch you, Don?' He said, 'I'm home every evening after five.'

I said, 'Listen, Don, can I tell you something?'
He said, 'Yes?'
I said, 'Don, you're an asshole!'
Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.

Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.

Then I came up with an idea. I called asshole #1. He said, 'Hello.' I said, 'You're an asshole!' (But I didn't hang up.) He asked, 'Are you still there?' I said, 'Yeah,' He screamed, 'Stop calling me,' I said, 'Make me,' He asked, 'Who are you?' I said, 'My name is Don Hansen.' He said, 'Yeah? Where do you live?' I said, 'Asshole, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, a yellow ranch, I have a black Beamer parked in front.' He said, 'I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers.' I said, 'Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole,' and hung up.

Then I called Asshole #2. He said, 'Hello?' I said, 'Hello, asshole,' He yelled, 'If I ever find out who you are...' I said, 'You'll what?' He exclaimed, 'I'll kick your ---,' I answered, 'Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now.'

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.

Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd. in Fairfax.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax. I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop car s, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew.

NOW I feel much better. Anger management really does work
_________________
Have A Really GREAT DAY!
William Martinek

[JamesP]

[Wendy]

OMG that is funny

Wendy
_________________
"Manifest your dreams NOW!
Live the life you want and deserve"

[eaglesdominion]

WHEN YOU THOUGHT I WASN'T LOOKING


WHEN YOU THOUGHT I WASN'T LOOKING-- Written by a former child



A message every adult should read, because children are watching you and doing as you do, not as you say....


When you thought I wasn't looking,
I saw you hang my first painting on the refrigerator, and I immediately wanted to paint another one.

When you thought I wasn't looking,
I saw you feed a stray cat, and I learned that it was good to be kind to animals.

When you thought I wasn't looking,
I saw you make my favorite cake for me and I learned that the little things can be the special things in life.

When you thought I wasn't looking,
I heard you say a prayer, and I knew there is a God I could always talk to and I learned to trust in God.

When you thought I wasn't looking,
I saw you make a meal and take it to a friend who was sick, and I learned that we all have to help take care of each other.

When you thought I wasn't looking,
I saw you give of your time and money to help people who had nothing and I learned that those who have something should give to those who don't.

When you thought I wasn't looking,
I saw you take care of our house and everyone in it and I learned we have to take care of what we are given.

When you thought I wasn't looking ,
I saw how you handled your responsibilities, even when you didn't feel good and I learned that I would have to be responsible when I grow up.

When you thought I wasn't looking,
I saw tears come from your eyes and I learned that sometimes things hurt , but it's all right to cry.

When you thought I wasn 't looking,
I saw that you cared and I wanted to be everything that I could be.

When you thought I wasn't looking,
I learned most of life's lessons that I need to know to be a good and productive person when I grow up.

When you thought I wasn't looking,
I looked at you and wanted to say, 'Thanks for all the things I saw when you thought I wasn't looking.'



I AM SENDING THIS TO ALL OF THE PEOPLE I KNOW WHO DO SO MUCH FOR OTHERS AND THINK NO ONE EVER SEES.


LITTLE EYES SEE A LOT !


Each of us (parent, grandparent, aunt, uncle, teacher or friend) influence the life of a child. How will you touch the life of someone today?

Just by sending this to someone else, you will probably make them at least think about their influence on others.

God Bless You and All Those You Love
_________________
Have A Really GREAT DAY!
William Martinek

[eaglesdominion]

Pocket Taser Stun Gun



Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely
wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed
it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance
that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my
reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another.

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your
assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5' long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...? I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, ' don't do it dipshit,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny
little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . . . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE .. !!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again.
I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my
legs?

The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent
thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative?

SON-OF-A-......., THAT HURT LIKE ---!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My
triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I soiled myself, but was too numb to know
for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe was came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!!

P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

'If you think Education is difficult, try being STUPID.'
_________________
Have A Really GREAT DAY!
William Martinek

[Wendy]

Tears are now running down my face



OMG!!!!!!!!!!
_________________
"Manifest your dreams NOW!
Live the life you want and deserve"

[JamesP]

Ouch!

So that's how they film those exorcist stunts! I thought it was more technical.

[CashCat]

ROFLMAO!! Where DO you get these, Bill? My friends never send me good jokes like these....

Chele
_________________
Dream as if you'll live forever....
Live as if you'll die today.
~~James Dean

[eaglesdominion]

My friends all know I suffer from PTSD and that they don't want me entering a maniacal depressive state endangering those around me.....

So they try to keep me smiling!


Bill
_________________
Have A Really GREAT DAY!
William Martinek

[eaglesdominion]

See if you can figure out what these words have in common.

1 Banana

2 Dresser

3 Grammar

4 Potato

5 Revive

6 Uneven

7 Assess


Are you peeking or have you already given up?

Give it another try. Look at each word carefully.

(You'll kick yourself when you discover the answer.)

This Is Cool.

^^
()






Answer:
No, it is not that they all have at least 2 double letters.

Answer:
In all of the words listed, if you take the first letter, place it at the
end of the word, and then spell the word backwards, it will be the same
word.

OK I'll admit it's been a slow morning!

_________________
Have A Really GREAT DAY!
William Martinek

[JamesP]

Bill admitted:

[eaglesdominion]

Only great minds can read this.



fi yuo cna raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid too


Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55 plepoe out of 100 can.

i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghi t pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whot ui t a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! if you can raed tihs forwrad it
_________________
Have A Really GREAT DAY!
William Martinek

[eaglesdominion]

JOKES TO OFFEND EVERYONE!

Now Remember the title of my thread....and look at the title of the joke!
Some are slightly tinged. So if your offend by those READ ON!







What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?


Juan on Juan


What is a Yankee?

The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.


What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover ?

The position of the dirt bag



Why is divorce so expensive?

Because it's worth it.



What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?


Doughnuts


Why is air a lot like sex?


Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.


What do you call a smart blonde?


A golden retriever.


What do attorneys use for birth control?


Their personalities.


What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?


10 years and 45 lbs


What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?

45 minutes


What's the fastest way to a man's heart?

Through his chest with a sharp knife


Why do men want to marry virgins?

They can't stand criticism.


Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?

Because those men already have boyfriends.



What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?


After a year, the dog is still excited to see you


Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?

The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.


Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?

Because they have cotton balls.


What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?

A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.


What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?


'Are you sure it's mine?'


Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?

Mace will do that to you.


Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia ?

Everyone has the same DNA.


Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?


Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.


Where does an Irish family go on vacation?

A different bar.


Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a
blonde baby?

They named him 'Sum Ting Wong'


What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?

A speech impediment


What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?


A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... 'a recipe'.


How do you get a sweet 80-year-old lady to say the F word?


Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
_________________
Have A Really GREAT DAY!
William Martinek

[eaglesdominion]

WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:



Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks, and car electrical systems. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck, but upon reflection some women have to shave there too.

You can play with toys all your life. You can wear shorts no matter how white your legs look. You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache, and don't worry about your nose or ear hair.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.

Send this to the women who can handle it and to the men who will enjoy reading it!
_________________
Have A Really GREAT DAY!
William Martinek